Archive for May, 2009

John and Kate plus 8, minus commitment, minus priorities

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 14, 2009 by Midsouthdivorce

After years of marriage and gentle prodding and hinting, my wife finally did something in the bedroom that she swore she would never do. It took a while and some cajoling on my part, but in the end, it was well worth it. About two months ago, my wife allowed me to get a TV and put it in the bedroom. It was a glorious day for husbands everywhere. One small victory for mankind, one huge testosterone rush for Bill. With the victory though came concessions. TV was limited to viewing either TIVO programs or the focus of this article, John and Kate plus 8, plus his girlfriend, plus her boyfriend, plus the paparazzi, plus….you get the picture. 

I’m a Memphis Divorce Attorney. It’s what I do for a living. Check me out here. I’ve been doing it long enough to know that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and Ernie sings about it in the bathtub, its a duck. When the first accusations came forth I predicted that a divorce in this case would be filed by November of this year. It seems I may have given the Goslin’s too much credit.

 According to sources, Kate is now contemplating pulling the cord. I hate to hear that, I truly do. They have children, and lots of them. I know that child support in this case will be a huge ordeal, as will dividing the marital assets and alimony. But the first question we need to tackle is why did this happen? Why the stepping out? In “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, Dr. Chapman speaks of the fact that after the infatuation period ends (some 6 months-4 years) you have to make a conscious decision each morning to say “I’m am going to choose to love you today, in spite of my true feelings for you”. It’s not near as cold as it sounds. It means that you are going to choose to love your spouse, despite the fact that they snore, or leave the toilet seat up (sorry honey), or come home with an inordinate amount of Kate Spade purses. Some days this is easy to do. Some days the mission impossible theme should be playing.

 I personally believe that Kate and John made two mistakes here. The first was that they failed to make this decision to love each other daily. The second seems to be that they put the needs of their children in front of their own needs. The way this whole marriage thing works is that you make each other your number one priority, not the kids, not a book tour, not your bar life, not work; but you make each other el numero uno. When you do this, you then in turn as a group make your kids el numero uno. Your on the same page. If you truly belief in the bonds of matrimony, then you make God the center, then each other, then the “chillins”. Its the plan, its how this is all suppose to work.

 It’s apparent to me from watching the show, and I love the show, that these folks have made the kids #1. I know its easy for me to sit and preach since I only have two little dependent people (aka kids) and they have eight, but the formula is still the same. Kids leave, kids grow up, they have lives and family and dreams and goals of their own. A solid marriage keeps this in mind. Once the kids turn 18 and you lovingly kick them to the curb, your stuck with each other and you need to nurture that relationship until such time. If you base your marriage on your kids, then once the kids are gone, you have nothing in common. It would appear, from the show, that John and Kate fell into this trap. When they did, the decision to love each other each day got a little bit harder.

 You can talk about Kate being rude or John being too laid back, but that is neither here nor there. Priorities got out of whack. If you don’t agree, then ask your significant other if you can either: A: be pictured with a bodyguard going cross-country while being touchy feely; or B: hang out at a bar at 2:00 am, sans wedding ring with a female that wants to go for a ride in your new ride. Let me know how that works out.

 If you think that you are headed down the same path, then get your priorities straight before it’s too late. If it is too late then try counselling, if your in Memphis, try these folks. If it is past that point, then you may want to come into my office for a consult, just know that if you have eight children, my retainer will be a tad bit higher.